Men Are Cowards

When it comes to getting the true feelings of the average guy looking to terminate a relationship, the best advice to heed is that of The Godfather.

No, not that Godfather…

We’re talking of none other than Mitch Martin, aka Luke Wilson, who was dubbed “The Godfather” in the pseudo-classic comedy Old School of 2003.

In a recent interview with Howard Stern on his Sirius morning show, Wilson spoke of the tactics that almost every man employs but few speak of when trying to get out of something that—at least in the guy’s mind—simply isn’t working anymore.

“Even if I want out, I don’t have the guts to just leave,” the younger Wilson brother explained. “I just start acting really surly and cranky until they leave me. I don’t think anything’s over the line when you want out. You see the fence, and you just start running for it.”

When asked how long he has to act like an asshole before a girlfriend finally dumps him, he said: “I’d say you need 90 days. It’s almost like double time, though, because three months feels like six months because you’re so horrible to be with.”

Therein lies the difference between men and women when it comes to confrontation- Women will lay everything out on the line in terms of open, honest communication when they see the fence Wilson describes, while men always look to end matters while still maintaining the role of the victim, still looking to not be, the bad guy.

Women may play the state of the relationship card a bit too often (some on a daily or at least a weekly basis), but at least the lines of dialogue are open. Conversely men will do everything in their power to avoid ever having such a painful conversation, and as a result, one of these three scripts will follow:

Sex is suddenly a foreign concept, likely because the guy has his eye on someone else which is prompting his whole reasoning for getting out.

The line from Ed Burns’ She’s The One says it all. For those who haven’t seen the movie, the situation is basically this: Francis (the never-seen-again Mike McGlone), who plays Burns’ brother Francis, is cheating on his wife Renee (Jennifer Aniston) with Heather (Cameron Diaz, who never looked better in any movie than this one). Francis tries to explain to his father the way he is behaving sexually (as in, not at all) with his wife because of his affair with Heather, which prompts the following question asked by Dad:

“Let me get this straight. You don’t want to cheat on your girlfriend with your wife?”

Men are a funny bunch of squirrels. On one hand, we’re outwardly insensitive. We wear it like a badge of honor. “Nice guys finish last” was planted in most of our heads somewhere around our sophomore year of High School and since then we have made a point to act overly confident, cocky, arrogant…because despite what girls invariably say, that guy is ultimately the kind they prefer to fuck.

Maybe not to open a joint bank account with, but definitely to get naked with…

So while men are ostensibly unfeeling creatures, we do care about doing the right thing, as warped as the logic may be…like staying with a girlfriend but sending a not-so-subtle hint that we’re just not that into her by cutting off intercourse and especially oral favors.

But in the end, men believe that women who are broken up abruptly with will either (a) Commit suicide or have a mental breakdown of some form or, (b) Will tell anyone who will listen—and Hoboken is a very small town in some circles—that the guy who inexplicitly dumped her is a cold, cruel cocksucker who led her down the primrose path of great expectations only to throw her away like a losing lottery ticket.

For guys and particularly under-the-radar players, maintaining the reputation of being simultaneously conceited and crying-at-the-end-of-Field-of-Dreams-sensitive is paramount.

“We may have broke up,” he’ll explain, “but she’s the one who ended it.”

For future dating prospects, that explanation goes a long way in gaining sympathy. Besides, most women will believe without hesitation that others of their gender are primarily bitches if told so by a guy they’re already interested in.

Are you writing all of this down?

The result is predictable from there. Words from the girl will be parsed or taken out of context, a preconceived fight will go down and the guy will say some nasty things that hopefully will be offensive enough for her to say, “We need to take a break/end this/you need to get help.” However, the next day (somehow) all will be forgiven and things will be fine again, much to the unhappy-in-the-relationship guy’s chagrin.

He will cheat in public subconsciously hoping to get caught:

Drinking usually plays a role, but let’s say a guy with a steady girlfriend is out at The Madison or Green Rock on a popular Thursday night without said GF. He’ll flirt like he was just released from a prison cell with Boggs from Shawshank and be more aggressive than he ever was when he was single.

If he’s unhappy enough, he’ll get sloppy with a hussy at the bar in the pure desire to be seen by someone who knows his steady. After being confronted, he’ll either deny it but hope it’s enough for her to break it off,or blame being sauced and promise not to do it again (which will likely not work, or so he expects).

Are there ways of thinking evil?



Uh, yeah…

But it’s the way it’s been since the beginning of modern western civilization.

We’ll lie, we’ll manipulate, we’ll cheat, we’ll avoid…

But will we conduct a simple conversation stating that we’re just not that into you?

That would be too complicated, too confrontational. And who knows if you’ll throw yourself in front of the 126 Bus the next morning?

We’re, like, not taking responsibility for that.

After all, The Godfather says so…