Nice Guys Finish First

A common question arose from a guy who just moved to Hoboken:

“How do you meet women around here?”

“Just be average,” I told the new guy from Chicago on his first night out in Hoboken while downing a few frosty ones at The Madison.

“Average,” new guy repeated in a pensive manner. “Is that a good thing?”

“Well, it isn’t necessarily a bad thing,” I responded. “It’s like you’re the Knicks…everyone else in the Eastern Conference (See: Hoboken) outside of three teams (See: Three guys in a bar on a given night) who’ll you never beat in a fair fight sucks, so you just need to be good enough.”

“So how do you define average,” the new guy asked.

“Just don’t fuck up,” I said.

New Guy was someone who women would rate a 7 on a scale of 10. He wasn’t too thin, not very built, definitely not fat but probably had slight love handles. His hair wasn’t that spikey, shiny look that more than a few guys sport these days but wasn’t Kevin Spacey either. Skin was decent, teeth too, liked to go out but didn’t do it four nights a week.

If this were baseball, he’d be a .270, 15 HR, 72 RBI guy.

Not exactly PAy-Rod…more like Melky Cabrera without the defensive prowess.

So why would a guy like this do exceptionally well when meeting women in Hoboken or at the Parker House?

The answer is simple:

Every other man find a way to screw things up.

Some are too aggressive. They’ll ask for a number within three minutes of meeting a girl without knowing their name. Or they’ll throw out the “What’s your story?” question in even less time than that.

It’s like that scene in 48 Hrs where Eddie Murphy is out of jail for two days and finally has a chance to go after a woman at a bar. Before the scene occurs, Reggie (Murphy) tells Jack (Nick Nolte) that “his dick gets hard when the wind blows,” and that he needs some “trim” (80s word for intercourse) immediately. So he meets a girl and after one dance asks her to go to a hotel across the street.

This happens in Hoboken (just replace “hotel” with “asking for the girl to give up something”) much more often than it should.

It goes back to my mantra of patience: If you’re a guy who should be in a Calvin Klein ad or starring on some WB show, great. You look that marvelous to afford not to be patient. Or a more modern example for our target demo out there via Entourage:

Justine Chapin: [Justine — a self-proclaimed born-again virgin — and Vinny Chase are flirting in a club] You’re gonna have to work for it. Vince: I got into this business so I wouldn’t have to work.

But for the rest of us Average Joe’s (present Joe excluded) out there who don’t have a W-2 to overcome the usual obstacles (See: 97% of males in Hoboken), the trick is to be just that: Average. The don’t be that guy list includes:

Don’t be that guy who texts a girl while drunk after one meeting. It’s like eating a Big Mac…it feels good at the time, but afterward you know it was a bad idea.

Don’t be that guy who PDAs in the middle of a bar if you’re over 30. It’s simple, really: Light carassing is fine, and if the urge comes to express yourself, simply declare the place is too crowded (even if it’s Quiet Woman on a Wednesday night) and do what needs to be done on the walk home (which is still public, but not really).

Don’t be that guy who has already gone through familiar relations with half of a clique: While women are competitive and secretly like to show their friends that they are the person to corral a player and make him into a stay-at-home, exclusive guy, being the new guy (and a nice, non-threatening average version) among a circle of women automatically makes you compelling and even enticing.

The last point calls for joining a different softball/kickball/soccer team in Hoboken or a whole new beach house down the you-know-where. Go at it alone if you need to. You’ll be that guy who offers a breath of fresh hair for them to analyze and talk about. And as many Hobokenites know, far too many co-ed cliques have gone through the platonic/non-platonic phase a long time ago. They still hang out with each other, yes, but the group is just screaming for a new person to scream with. It’s like when the seven Brandon replacements went through 90210 in the unwatchable later seasons…they cleaned up with girls like Valarie, Kelly, Donna, and the cross-eyed one whose name I can’t remember until googling it (Claire) because, well, they were something different than the already-used-up Brandon, Dylan, Steve-O, David quartet.

You don’t even have to be ripped or rich…simply positioning yourself within a new group is the key.

So many men in Hoboken are like the aforementioned A-Rod without the $270 million or talent: When they get in a key situation, they try too hard in an effort to be accepted. The insecurity is all-too-obvious. It’s the guy who doesn’t try too hard and comes across as a hard-working, average guy (therefore genuine) that ultimately wins the fight.

They say nice guys finish last, but with so many clueless idiots on display at Hoboken bars night after night, the mantra has now been turned upside down. Girlfriends of the girl coveted will advocate you. You’re the anti-a-hole. A guy who deserves a shot to anyone looking for the antitheseis of the player. This goes a very long way…



Devoid of narcissism.

In 2008 Hoboken, it’s a triple play that will pay dividends on the dating circuit.