Hoboken and Elsewhere in 2008: Predictions

As we get older, one year seems to blend into another. The old days used to have so many benchmarks—thirteen meant officially being a teenager, sixteen meant driving with a permit, seventeen meant going anywhere you wanted without bothering your parents, eighteen meant the right to vote, and 21 meant not needing to remember your fake birth date and sign anymore. But as we move through the rest of our twenties and thirties, 2003 isn’t very different from 2006 or 2007.

So what will 2008 bring? There appears to be more than enough big dates on the calendar, and I’ve been known to make Nostradomas look like a novelty act, so let’s get started.

January: Colts and Pats meet again in Super Bowl XLII1/2 and Liberty Bar is packed on a snowy late January afternoon. Colts win, thereby making the Pats the worst 17-1 team in history.

February: Michael Bloomberg enters the Presidential race as an Independent and immediately jumps to the top of the polls. Hoboken411 announces that it will support Bloomberg (perhaps because the checks from Dawn Zimmer and Peter Cunningham have stopped coming in) and predictably the site takes sole credit for his eventual victory in November.

March: Hoboken St. Patrick’s Day once again means hundreds of $1000.00 fines for those not drinking responsibly. And guess what? After all of the press coverage and warnings to Hoboken residents, if you’re really that much of an alcoholic to sport an open container in public, you deserve to take a financial beating.

April: Michael Kay experiences his first on-air orgasm during the 8th inning of the second game of the season after his man crush, Alex Rodriguez, hits a relatively meaningless home run to put the Yanks up 8-4 on the Devil Rays. “For those fans who don’t think this guy can hit in the clutch, I give you exhibit A-Rod!” Ugh. Meanwhile, the YES Network holds open auditions to fill vacated analyst spots for David Justice (named in the Mitchell Report), Jim Leyritz (recently killed a women while driving drunk) and hopefully, the aforementioned Mr. Kay. Back in Hoboken, another restaurant/bar opens at 230 Washington Street after Mercy Grill sells the property in January.

May: On the last weekend of the month, 54% of Hoboken’s population jets down the Parkway for another 15 weekends at the Jersey Shore. I may be going out on a limb here, but at some point during the summer, someone will have familiar relations with someone else without remembering their name, and someone will get really, really pissed at one of their sharemates for hooking up with someone they were originally interested in within the house. Oh, and the Nerds will play Livin’ on a Prayer and the throngs at the Osprey will react like they’ve haven’t heard that song in years.

June: Willie Randolph is fired as manager of the New York Mets after the team is unable to recover from the hangover of its September of 2007 meltdown. Meanwhile, Sex in the City: The Movie completely bombs at the box office, officially quelling any temptation by David Chase to make The Sopranos: The Movie.

July: Somebody is nice enough to invite all of their friends (some of whom that they haven’t spoken to in months) to a wedding at a hot, land-locked venue on Saturday, July 5th…thereby destroying entire holiday weekends of dozens of people.

August: The Hoboken W Hotel, all 25 floors and 225 rooms, which was supposed to open in Summer of 2007, which was then pushed back to the fall of 2008, announces that it won’t be opening until Summer of 2009 due to impossible-to-avoid construction delays that are as common in Hoboken as nail salons and banks.

September: Hurricane season brings massive flooding to Hoboken’s 4th Ward (curiously, no politicians are blamed this year). Joe Concha cuts and pastes this prophecy into his future 2009-2020 prediction columns.

October: The New York Yankees miss the postseason for the first time since Whoomp! There It Is (by Tag Team) was topping the charts in ’93. Meanwhile, the Red Sox repeat as World Series Champions behind co-MVPs Josh Beckett and Johan Santana. In other sports news, Hoboken’s Eli Manning’s genetic connection to Peyton is publicly questioned by some sports talk-show host for an NFL-record 44,567 time. Chad Pennington completes his first pass of over 20 yards of the season.

November: Michael Bloomberg becomes the 44th President of the United States, beating Republican nominee John McCain and Democratic nominee Barack Obama 34% to 33% to 32%, respectively.

December: The economy grows at 3.5 percent for the year, but over 60% of spoiled Americans polled still believe the economy is shit. In an effort overcome the Knicks 5-14 start, Isiah Thomas becomes the first player/coach/GM in NBA history. Apple’s iPhone once again is a hot Christmas gift and somehow costs 50% less than it did in the Christmas season of 2007. Katie Couric relinquishes her evening anchor chair takes over hosting duties of the CBS Early Show. Hoboken’s budget increases 10%. Another restaurant (mentioned earlier) that opened in April at the Bermuda Triangle that is 230 Washington Street (former home of Mercy Grill, Rodeo Ristra, Tazzo, etc), permanently closes in quiet fashion.

Prediction columns are always most entertaining when reading them after the year is complete. So thanks for taking this in for now, but for more than a few true laughs, put a reminder into your Outlook calendar to read this again in late December of 2008. If I got 18% of these prophecies correct, let the move to Vegas begin.