Indiscriminate Deliberations: November

Who says the 80’s aren’t alive and well?

Visit your local barbershop in Hoboken (or anywhere in the country, for that matter) and you’ll always find one constant: Large photos of men with hairstyles that appeared to be en vogue right around the time when Union of the Snake and Lunatic Fringe (VisionQuest soundtrack) were climbing the pop charts. Considering my guy is now charging $16.00 per haircut, you would think he could afford to replace the same 14 prints of those three-buttons-opened Velveeta 80s dudes dominating the wall space.

In case you haven’t received the memo from Mr. Mellencamp yet, he wants you to know that This is ooouurrr coun-try. Given the thousands of times the commercial is aired during every sporting event and is somehow more overplayed more than The Fray’s, How to Save a Life, don’t you think Mrs. Cougar-Mellencamp is jumping for the remote every time it comes on? (which it did twice while I writing this paragraph)…

Still waiting for all of those breathless reports about voter fraud after the 2006 elections…

Oh right…it’s only foul-play when the vote favors Republicans. I’m sure those accusations will return in earnest when John McCain routs Hillary in ’08.

Oh, what about Barack Obama?

Well, if Bob Menendez returns the favor and campaigns with him, maybe he has a shot to win the nomination.

That invitation to Bob is already in the mail.

Now excuse me as I wipe the sarcasm oozing from the screen.

For someone who is supposed to be completely irrelevant and certifiable, Tom Cruise generates an awful amount of attention.

But must we attach a nickname to every couple?

TomKat (Tom and Katie)

FedEx (Kevin Federline-Britney Spears RIP)

Brandgelia (Brad Pitt-Angelina Jolie)

Vaughniston (Vince Vaughn-Jennifer Aniston)

Ashmi (Ashton Kutcher-Demi Moore)

And so on…

Donovan NcNabb is out for the season once again. If you opened your window on Sunday afternoon, you could hear the usual excuses for another lost season emanating from the Philadelphia Eagles Club at Mulligan’s.

Not that they were only 5-4 with McNabb while playing arguably the easiest schedule in the league…

Or blew almost every close game they played in this season…

Or stop runners as well as Mike Piazza…

Or could ever be forgiven for wearing those hideous black uniforms…

So who’s the best team in the NFC right now?

Well, it’s not my Bears.

And it ain’t the team with its own ER in East Rutherford.

It’s those controversial and doomed-three-weeks-ago Dallas Cowboys. The reason, besides the coach, is Tony Romo, who has shown more poise, accuracy, arm strength and scrambling ability than any quarterback in his first four games as a starter in NFL history. No hyperbole needed.

Quarterback rating: 101.2 (highest in the NFC and only second to Peyton Manning, whom he outplayed on Sunday in a 21-14 win). Since the Giants game, (he came off the bench in the second half with Dallas trailing) Romo has thrown eight touchdowns and only two interceptions. And he is the only unmarried QB in the league to avoid dating Paris Hilton, opting for the less sketchy (but equalizing irritating) Jessica Simpson instead.

The Cowboys are 3-1 in Romo’s four starts (the lone loss being a freaky defeat in Washington where a blocked field goal and penalty on the final play somehow led to a Redskins field goal at the gun to win it). With four of the Cowboys final six games in Irving, the Cowboys are now poised to win the NFC East.

From there, the playoffs will go like this:

AFC East: Pats AFC North: Ravens AFC South: Colts AFC West: Chargers
Wild Card: Broncos, Chiefs
Wild Card Weekend: Broncos over Ravens Pats over Chiefs
Semis: Colts over Broncos Chargers over Pats
AFC Championship: Chargers over Colts
NFC East: Cowboys NFC North: Bears NFC South: Panthers NFC West: Seahawks
Wild Card: Giants, Saints
Wild Card Weekend: Panthers over Giants Seahawks over Saints (two teams that never play each other…you ever notice that?)
Semis: Cowboys over Panthers Bears over Seahawks
NFC Championship: Cowboys over Bears
Super Bowl: Chargers over Cowboys

I would have included the Jets as a Wild Card, but it appears that Eric Mangenius is reading too many of his press clippings about being the next Belicheck.

C’mon Eric, calling an onsides kick in a 0-0 game when the other team hasn’t done a thing against your defense?

That had Rich Kotite’s fingerprints all over it.

Rutgers went from playing for the national championship to going to the Bowl in quite a hurry, didn’t they?

How I Met Your Mother

is one of the more underrated shows I’ve stumbled across, although with the recent outing of NPH (Neil Patrick Harris), you just know the spinoff, How I Met Your Father at the Blue Oyster Bar is right around the corner.

I thought The Departed was very good, but let’s stop comparing it to Goodfellas in the same way some had the audacity to put Old School in the same breath as Animal House.

I know Howard Stern claims to love his freedom on Sirius Satellite, but how long will it be before he cracks from all of the non-attention?

What made Howard great is what makes South Park the best show on television right now: When you’re watching it, you honestly can’t believe they’re getting away with what they’re saying and doing. The line to cross gets moved back further and further every week.

Howard Stern is never in the news anymore because he no longer has a ominous nemesis to serve as his foil. His battle with the FCC generated coverage, and fans felt the need to root for the underdog, for the leader of free speech, Stern. But to fork over $12.00 a month to listen to Howard is like coughing up money to see the Knicks…you’ll always go to the game, but not if you have to actually pay to do so…

Back to South Park: If you didn’t see Mr. Garrison’s “explanation” on the theory of evolution to his 4th grade class last week, you seriously need to start DVRing Channel 50 every night at 9:30…immediately, and hope for a repeat:

Now I for one think that evolution is a bunch of bull crap. But I’ve been told I have to teach it anyway. It was thought up by Charles Darwin and it goes something like this: In the beginning, we were all fish, okay, swimming around in the water. And then one day a couple of fish had a retard baby. And the retard baby was different so it got to live. So retard fish goes on to make more retard babies, and then one day a retard baby fish crawled out of the ocean with its mutant fish hands, and it had butt sex with a squirrel or something, and made this retard-frog-squirrel and then that had a retard baby which was a monkey-fish-frog, and then this monkey-fish-frog had butt sex with that monkey and that monkey had a mutant retard baby that screwed another monkey and that made you. So there you go. You’re the retarded offspring of five monkeys having butt sex with a fish-squirrel. Congratulations.”

Yes, that was said on free TV during prime time. If the same lines are uttered on HBO, it just doesn’t have that same impact, does it?

Thanksgiving Week is always the best week-long stretch of the year. Can’t you just picture the Guinness Professors saying this?

“A four-day weekend with nothing but football on?”



Happy Turkey Day all…