Rules to Live By (In Summer)

Running a beach house means witnessing some of the very worst adults have to offer. It’s one of the few things in life you do what’s normally reserved for family, marriage and very close friends (See: exchange of money, sharing of close quarters/bathroom, intercourse/oral pleasure, and of course, your darkest secrets.

That said, here are the top 5 most selfish things one can do in any beach house:

5) Bring a guest down on holiday weekends: The only possible exception to this rule is if a girlfriend or boyfriend outside the house is involved (in which case they should shower early and take a seat on the living room floor if it rains and everyone is stuck watching TV inside), but the worst offenders are ones who bring that too-cheap-to-buy-a-fucking-quarter-share friend on, say, July 4th weekend when most houses couldn’t fit a shoehorn in them. The offending share knows this, simply doesn’t care, but is always the first one to complain when they have to wait to get into the shower on any other weekend.

4) Agree to buy a certain share, only to finally back out when payment is actually expected: For those who have ever run a house or are familiar with the process, we’ve all seen this taser-worthy offense. Declare full share in February, pay maybe a quarter of that or nothing at all by March, downgrade to half share, pay maybe a quarter of that or nothing at all by April. And I’m sure you know how this paragraph is going to be completed when offender downgrades to a quarter share.

One house manager I know well recently had two guys who wanted to do a quarter share starting 4th of July weekend. They said they would pay when they got down that weekend (Warning sign 41b: If someone can’t pay up front, they likely don’t have much cash or are keeping an out option open). So on July 1, after the house manager sends out a reminder email about bringing payment the first weekend, here’s the response:

“I sent you an email saying we couldn’t do the house because of (insert SARS, gout, dead grandmother, locusts, or any other bullshit excuse here). You didn’t get it?”

Even with email, that excuse never gets old, does it?

And with about $2000.00 at stake, do you think a phone call might have been warranted in this situation?

Meanwhile, said house manager told 10 other people looking to join that the house was already full.

And they’ve since gone elsewhere.

Leaving you-know-who holding the bag.

Rule to combat the rule: A share isn’t a share until a deposit that is high enough to hurt if not returned is mandatory.

3) Ownership of Housemates: Being in a fraternity taught me two hard incontrovertible facts. One was conjuring up very early tee times to avoid having to even speak for more than two minutes to a random sleepover guest. “I’d love for you to stay, but I have a 7:30 tee time this morning.” This also works at the beach…try it. 60% of the time, it works…every time.

The other is that people are really, really, really insecure.


And in beach houses, it is never more apparent than the criminal cockblocking that goes on night after night.

And you know the way it works: The person doing the cockblocking has as much of a chance of taking down* (*which is now the new term for hook-up which I’ve wholeheartedly endorsed) the girl/guy they are allegedly protecting for all of those eeeeevil outsiders as Jason Giambi does of not becoming the adult film industry’s next great star (admit it, between the thong wearing, steroid use and Velvetta 70s mustache, you’ve been thinking the same exact thing).

Girl cockblockers are even more brutal. One girl in my house tells me that if you even so much as look at a guy in one girl CB’s house, be prepared to get that icy-hot that used to only be reserved for aching joints and arthritis. Same girl even gave a verbal warning: “Stay away from our guys.” No joke.

Who says being part of the Greek system has to end at age 22?

It goes on until 42 in some cases at the Jersey Shore.

2) Labeling of food in fridge: This is a whole bowl of wrong on so many levels that it doesn’t even need to be addressed.

1) Mr. Snitch: No…we’re not talking about the guy with one foot in the grave who runs that fascinating Hoboken-based blog. Instead, this is about that POS in a beach house who sells out other guys in an attempt to portray himself as Mr. Sensitive.

Let’s say you took someone down — a half share — in your house Memorial Day Weekend. Let’s also say that enjoyed familair relations with another half share the following weekend. It’s perfect in the eyes of some: Every other weekend a two-chick rotation within the comfort of your own home. That is, of course, until Mr. Sensitive decides that he needs to alert both female half shares of your horrific transgressions. You see, he’s the guy who will treat them right. He’s the one to won’t jump from bed to bed. And if there was any justice in the world, he’d be the one who was the only down at the house on a weekday night when that tsumani hit.

But what Mr. Sensitive doesn’t get, doesn’t realize…is that this information will only benefit the house player. While Mr. Sensitive thinks that most girls would be offended after receiving such information, the opposite is actually true. The aforementioned half shares will only become more competitive.

Hell, she doesn’t really even have to like the guy…but she sure as heckfire will learn the hate the half share who is there on alternating weekends who bought a timeshare in her intrahouse human sublet.

There are so many more, but I really need to get to the beach.