After 15 years of dating, it appears some Y-chromosomes of Hoboken still haven’t received the memo on the proper rules of courtship.
What you are about to read isn’t a column, but a public service announcement designed to prevent men from continuing to make asses of themselves in the world of dating.
Issue #1: The Y’s are impatient creatures. We order Chinese because the effort it takes to boil water and actually prepare a meal feels as long as the NFL off-season. We keep tissue boxes, old socks and Maxim next to our beds because we are all about instant gratification.
So when the time comes where we actually meet a hottie X Chromie to potentially replace the Kleenex and Nikes, we forget the one advantage we have on our side:
Anticipation.
Case in point: Parker meets Cindy at Trinity one evening. Parker has a good buzz and is on his game. Funny. Confident. Playful banter within the lines of taste.
He’s Batman.
At the end of the night, he gets her number. She tells her friends about him the next day. She still barely knows him, but she’s excited about the idea of Batman.
No doubt, he’s in her head now.
That night, he text messages her to say that he had a good time and looks forward to seeing her again.
Bad move.
The next day, Parker unwisely uses the Bat Phone and calls Cindy.
Worse move.
He proceeds to ask her to dinner on Saturday.
Are you fucking kidding me?
He emails her the day after calling. The inbox indicates the mail was sent at 11:27 PM. Now she knows that Parker has a hell of alot going on, and may even be on the computer talking in chat rooms or browsing Lindsay Lohan web sites at that time of night when he isn’t writing her.
Please, someone tackle Batman.
Please?
Most girls will tell you that the “had a great time” call the next day is a sweet thing. Shows you’re thinking about them, right? Yup. That’s the problem. Men need to realize that the IDEA of Batman will always eclipse anything they can verbally bring to the table themselves, at least in the initial stages.
With the exception of the author of this column, the more men talk, the more they hurt themselves. More importantly, by calling the next day, men lose about four notches on her challenge meter. And despite what women may tell you (or have fooled themselves into believing) they need to be challenged as much as men do.
Solution: Follow the Swingers rule: Wait 3-6 days before calling after first getting a number and at least two days after a first date. It will be tough, but in the end it will illustrate that Batman actually had a life before Cindy came along.
Dinner on the first date? Big no-no. Always do drinks after work. The conversation flows easier and allows for seamless exits if goggling occurred on an initial bar meeting. Besides, if things go extremely well, you may be having dinner with this person every night for the rest of your natural born life, so what’s the rush? Most importantly, your CPL (Cost-Per-Lay) Index will be kept within reasonable levels.
A Saturday night date? No way…Batman should portray that he has too much going on to allow a relative stranger to work her way into the coveted Saturday night itinerary. Keep things on the periphery (Sunday, Tuesday, Wednesday, but not Monday…you should be watching 24 if you’re a real man, anyway). Anyway, for the first three weeks, she doesn’t get anywhere near Friday or Saturday.
No exceptions unless her last name is Johansson or Alba.
Again, it’s all about building anticipation, keeping the idea of Batman alive for as long as possible, and maintaining a dash of mystery.
You’re writing this down, yes?
Issue #2: Talk to the friend.
So many Y Chromies approach a group of girls and end up focusing their attention on the most attractive one while ignoring the perfunctory Lane Bryant/Hobokenchat.com shopper in the group (this mistake was analyzed masterfully in A Beautiful Mind). While this may seem like the natural thing to do, the truth is that you need as many internal sponsors/her friends working for you as possible.
Solution: Invariably it only takes one veto from her allies for a girl to repel Batman. Women are brutally judgmental, so even if you perform flawlessly in enticing your objective (or at least obtaining her bat signal/phone number); it may not matter if her friend of 15 years (that she trusts more than her cat or even her own parents) doesn’t give a thumbs’ up.
Issue #3: A conservative offense will lead to greater time of possession as the game rolls on…
The idea of Batman is that he is a perfect gentleman, so on a first date, do not try anything more than a kiss on the cheek after Date 1.
Granted, some of you may be going on this first date as a result of a sloppy hook up at a bar that resulted in familiar relations. Fine. But it still doesn’t mean you can’t reset expectations and rebuild the anticipation for a sober kiss. Remember, she’s going to report on the date to at least three friends, so being conservative now will help in gathering key support from her constituents by illustrating that your intentions are pure.
Simultaneously, it will have the girl questioning what’s wrong with her since you showed restraint, which at first will be a con, but eventually becomes a pro in her mind since you didn’t do anything technically wrong. This can only work in your favor if thinking beyond those five minutes while in front of her door, which most men have extreme issues in accomplishing.
Issue #4: For Feck’s sake, brush your damn tongue.
It happens all too often.
Batman will pick out the right attire.
Apply the proper aftershave.
Show up on time.
And then, the first thing she notices is a slight odor emanating from the oral arena.
Why?
Because not nearly enough men make hygiene a #1 priority…
Sure, men may scrub the crap out of their teeth, floss like their dentist doesn’t believe in Novocain, but the truly important areas (tongue and roof of the mouth) go unbrushed. It’s a worse faux pas than double dipping a chip.
Issue #5: Don’t take her temperature for at least two months.
When women aren’t acting judgmental, they’re being competitive. The idea of Batman is that:
You’re a catch
Other women are competing for your attention.
Repeat “B”.
By having the “Are you seeing other people?” conversation on the second or third date, you’ve officially transformed yourself from confident to insecure. You also relinquish the mystery factor by opening yourself up for questioning that only leads to 40 additional inquiries.
Yikes.
Solution: Less is more. Never utter anything about an ex. If asked directly, simply state you don’t feel comfortable talking about it (try looking down or away when taking the 5th for optimum effect). Ultimately you’ll gain major sympathy points since she’ll automatically assume the heartless wench you dated previously hurt you for no apparent reason.
“Poor thing. What can Mommy do to take the pain away? Huh?”
For fifteen years the Y Chromies have searched for the answers as to why they keep screwing up the otherwise simple process of dating the X’s.
Now, thanks to the power of the Internet and my own priceless trial-and-error experience, we no longer have anything to fear anymore.
You can thank me later…
Now go slide down that pole, put on that mask and cape, get in the damn car, and drive out of your cave.
After all…you’re Batman.